Oscars Acceptance Speech
Oh my God, I don’t know what to say.
First of all, I’d like to thank the director. Without him, we would have had to find another director.
Second, I’d like to thank my co-stars. They certainly put the “co” in “co-star.”
Third, I’d like to thank my parents for having sex 27 years ago, birthing me, and then neglecting me for most of my childhood. Without you I would never have developed the crippling need for attention that has gotten me so far in my career.
And lastly, I’d like to thank my body guards, who were kind enough to hold all of you at gun point as I sprinted on stage and stole this Oscar out of Meryl Streep’s ice-cold hands.
Fuck you, Meryl Streep.
God bless all of you.