Substitute Yoga Teacher
Alright everyone, as you may have noticed, your regular teacher Bryan Yee isn’t here, so I will be guiding you through yoga practice today.
I would like all of you to relax, take a deep breath, find your center, and lie face down on the ground because this is a motherfucking robbery.
I have a gun.
Your teacher is tied up and gagged in the sauna. Unless you want to join him, I suggest you roll up your yoga mats and gently toss them to me.
I said gently! Don’t make me Goddamned fire this pistol.
If you have any valuable yoga accessories, like a Gaiam strap or a hemp carrier bag, I will be taking those as well.
Stay focused on the depth of your breath and keep your hands where I can see them.
Do not look at me in the eyes.
Now, I am going to walk out of here. If anyone tries anything I will shoot you so hard you won’t be able to find your mind-body balance no matter how many after-hours meditation sessions you attend.